Some women only find relevance in marriage, and even while married, they allow their fears and insecurities affect their marriage. She narrates how at a time she was so paranoid that she followed her husband, OAP Benny Ark to the club to make sure no girl ‘twerked‘ on him.
DEAR NIGERIAN WOMAN!
If I got a dollar for every time I read this I’d be a millionaire by now.
The weird part is, most times it’s from another Nigerian woman so you need to ask if they are addressing themselves too. By the law of projection, they are.
That said, could we please take a moment to look at the Nigerian woman in all her “glory?”
I’d focus on married women because they seem to be the ones I chat with often these days. And no, it’s not “what do I do” situations.
As always, I’d be using myself as the lab rat for this experiment. And, I will focus on something I read this morning about Nigerian wives.
When I first got married I was a tad paranoid. More than that, I didn’t know myself with regards what Ese wanted, what made her happy, whether she liked to go out or stay home etc etc.
I was always ready to follow hubby to the club because god forbid some girl wants to twerk on him. I generally don’t like clubs, the music is too loud, I get bored after about 30 minutes, I feel I don’t dress appropriately. I mean, I will wear heels but want to take them off so I can boogie down. It was all types of tiring.
If he doesn’t come home an hour after work, I’m already thinking where he is, making up stories in my head about what he could be doing and with whom. Planning to steal his phone to check for clues or smell his shirt for a different perfume. Heck, I even checked the car a few times for Brazilian hair. Sigh*
And then one day, after a huge disagreement, I started planning to leave him. Why did I want to leave? Paranoia. I was tired of always feeling unhappy because I wasn’t sure I was enough. I wanted to be happy but I had placed the keys to my happiness in his hands and he didn’t know what to do with it. I was going to clubs when I really didn’t want to because I wanted to know what was happening with him in the club.
Oh boy! The torture hit my brain and the brain had to reset.
After months of introspection, doubt, fear, insecurity and all its relations, I had to ask what Ese wants. What makes Ese happy? And what the bloodclaat was this marriage relationship all about?
As I started to own my own demons, I was able to go back to where I picked up the fears and bs from.
From a young age we are programmed to think we are put on earth for men. It’s not just in our homes, it’s in the media, on the street, in music videos, movies, posters, etc etc. It’s not strange for a man to grab you in the market to come check out his wares. In the club, a stranger can touch your boobs or ass, on the road, a man can run into your car and tell you, “I get your type for house.”
The “putting a woman in her place” didn’t start today. Even religious books are in on it too. Submit, don’t speak, don’t talk, don’t breath, just die. It’s tiring. The fights against these ideas are tiring too.
I think that every time somebody says, “we are equal to men,” they reinforce that stereotype that tells the woman she is less. I’m not sure how to explain this, but that’s what it says to me. Do you have to tell a human that they are human? It’s like when we say “gay people are people too.” Are you talking to a 2 year old?
If as a human being (male or female), you do not know that humans are essentially equal, no law, decree or rant on social media can teach you that.
I once saw the male as superior to me. I don’t remember where I got that idea from but it was my default programming. And it didn’t start today. It goes back to before I was aware of anything. I imagine the male is programmed that way too. He feels he is superior to the female and he has religious texts, culture and general human interaction to reinforce that.
Tell that kind of man that a woman is equal and he will fight back. It’s not you he is fighting but the idea that something wants to shake his core beliefs. You cannot convince that kind of person otherwise with 100 facebook posts. Sometimes I think the people that talk for and against equality are trapped in an endless battle of words.
Until a person wakes up to their own reality of who they are, until they feel enough in themselves, until they intentionally work to deprogram from what society has fed them, we will be fighting till we die. Most times, it’s the pain that wakes a person up so any attempt to shield them from pain is not only intrusive of their process but a waste of time.
Biko, let the Nigerian woman be. If you want to be an example of what’s possible for her, live out your message. Stop bullying people because they aren’t where you are or don’t see as you see.
And for the Nigerian wife who is battling with paranoia, I’d tell you this for free. The more you fight your partner, or his female friends or his single friends, the more you give yourself reasons to keep fighting and push the partner away from your crazy ass. And when you snoop through a person’s phone, you will find what you are looking for, guaranteed.
Try this, let adults be adults. People are going to do what they want to do anyways, why not try to live a little. Listen to the voices in you head and have conversations with them. The next time you want to fight over some story in your own head ask yourself if it’s worth it. It will be hard at first, even painful but with time you’d stop seeing marriage (or relationships) as a reason to try and control or possess another human being.
You’d learn to love you enough to give the other person room to be themselves. Plus, you’d stop focusing on only the negative aspects of your life. You’d see the good, you’d reconnect with friends, you’d find a new hobby and you will grow into the person you came forth to be.
How do I know this?
It’s been my journey.
Good morning from Lagos State, Nigeria.
