depression

This happened about eight months ago, and I’ve tried to be reasonable and put it past me but I’m really struggling.

I’ve been told what he did was reasonable, makes sense, etc, but I keep coming back to that moment of total abandonment and fear when I realized he’d run. I just feel completely alone around him now.

We were walking home from a work function at a bar at around 1am. Neither of us had drunk that evening so we weren’t even slightly tipsy. Two guys across the street from us crossed over and approached us asking if we knew where such-and-such a street was.

As fiancé turned around to point out where the street was, one of the guys pulled out a knife and told us to stop moving and to give him all our shit (phone, wallet, etc). I was surprised by how calm I was in the moment, and told them I needed to reach into my pocket to get my phone.

As I was doing that, the guy pressed the knife against my ribs as warning because I guess he was worried I had a gun (even though that’s pretty unlikely in my country). When this happened, my fiancé bolted.

It took me a bit to even realise he’d left me, and when I realised that he had run I was certain I was about to get badly hurt or die.

Fortunately, the thieves seemed to get kind of frightened by him getting away and just hurried me up. They took my phone, bag (with my purse with all my money, cards, personal effects), necklace and ran away. The whole ordeal from start to finish took maybe five minutes.

I was kind of in shock and wandered off back up the street, heading back towards the bar, not even really thinking. A few minutes later my fiancé found me and told me he called the police.

I found out that fiancé had run about a block away, calling for help as he ran. We were both okay physically, except for a tiny bit of broken skin on my ribs where they’d pressed the knife.

My fiancé says what he does makes sense – that if he’d hung around and it turns out they’d wanted to hurt us or worse, we’d both be fucked because no one else would be around to call the police or an ambulance.

That he wanted to be alive and able to help in case something happened to me. He also says that by running away, the thieves didn’t want to hang around any longer than necessary (which is true), which might have saved me.

His mum agrees and has praised him for not being an idiot, but my own mother has quietly told me she thinks he’s a coward for abandoning his wife-to-be.

Fiancé asked me not to tell our friends exactly what happened, because he says they wouldn’t understand his actions unless they were there.

My own thoughts are that, by running away, he potentially significantly decreased my chance of survival.

I’m only about 157cm (5’2”) and 51kgs (110lbs). He’s 178cm (5’10”) and 75kg (165lbs). The two guys were about his size. They would have been able to easily overpower/subdue me, but my fiancé there would have made it 2v2 (although we would have still been at a disadvantage, them still having a knife and size advantage) and not left me completely at the mercy of two criminals who rob people at night.

I also wonder, what would have happened if him leaving me had given them the courage to do something worse? Like rape. I mean, I don’t think they would have – they seemed pretty interested in valuables and cash only – but what if?

I look at him and wonder, do I even want kids with him? If I did have a child with him, would he abandon him or her in a dangerous situation because it was the ‘smart’ thing to do?

I’ve lost a lot of attraction to him. He accuses me of wanting to use him as a meatshield just because he’s a man, and that what he did was smart and not the machismo stupidity I ‘wanted’ that could have gotten us both killed.

I didn’t want him to try to fight them… I just wanted him by my side. Which I guess is selfish, because it was a dangerous situation. I don’t feel safe around him anymore, which I used to. I’m even scared of the dark again, despite him lying in bed right next to me.

As I’m typing this, I don’t know what to think. We fortunately don’t have a wedding date set, so there’s no immediate pressure of marriage. Please help!

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136 COMMENTS

  1. It depends on how the situation played out and the intensity of the situation. There are two things That it could be 1. He was a complete coward and ran for hIs dear Life. 2. (which i hope it is) he probably weighed the situation and figured he couldnt overpower them and even if he did they would Still stab you Because if they see hes overpowering them theyll immediately turn to you and stab you every sideways, now im a big looking guy 3guys with kniVes would probably think twice about approachinG me but if i was with my fiancee i would be less callous. Every robbery situaTion i know Always has the man running away which makes the thieves panic and run. I know this because we were robbed when i was much younger. So please think about it carefully and Godspeed.

  3. Haba, if you sef see opportunity to run you for no run ni? If he had stayed could he have been able to overpower the robbers? Abeg free the guy joor, he who fights and run away lives to fight another day abi no be so?

  5. No he go come die for u n u go leave am go marry another man just like Jesus died for u n I n we still dey sin against am….

    MADAM ur fiancé no b JESUS even d way d world take dey, JESUS no go gree come die for me n u

  23. Who wan die??????? Lol no blame d guy oooo just bcos he wanna prove to be a man isn’t enough reason to die for it cos even d Bible says, shrewd is d one who foresee danger and conceal himself…… You guys aren’t married yet, if d guy die u will marry someone else besides if it’s u, u will do exactly d same…… Sorry ooo lolz

  26. What he did is human, besides, he is not yet married to you. My dear, the usual saying in the local parlance that love is blind is but a pathetic fallacy. The decision and choice to make in this matter is entirely yours to take, please

  38. Thank God u called him your fiance, even husband can do more than this, there was a day armed robbers enter d flat after mine,immediately they point gun on d man’s forehead he ran and hide at d back of his wife bending down with fear, and this man is someone who don’t joke with his wife, he loves her so much.you shouldn’t panic, go ahead with him if he loves you, na fear cos am, u can protect him if he is in danger, u can still run if u have opportunity, that’s d spirit of FEAR! # lol

  43. If it were to be a would have run also, or will you have rather like it if the two of u die at the same time. My dear don’t let that bother you at all after all he still call the police to rescue you. He loves that was y he did what he did to save you from on them.

  49. Abeg make una carry una wahala comot here. Must u talk everything about ur relationship? Ur mum is saying he’s a coward ur mum to be is saying he’s courageous fine, which one are u saying? What u say and think is all dat matters

  51. If he truly love his fiancée he could hv stayed to the end after all its for better for worst well I don’t blame him before whn men fights women tells the story but now women do the fighting and men tells the story

  55. In such cases, it is always better for the man to escape first, so that he can call for proper help… Because, if he doesn’t escape, the robbers might kill him and keep the wife alive… Women are hardly killed during robbery, the highest harm they incur is rape.. But men are easily killed.. He who runs away, regroups to fight another day.. WISDOM IS PROFITABLE TO DIRECT

  63. That guy is very courageous jare. Do you think it is easy to run from armed robbers just to go call the police?
    Abeg if to say na me, I for run go call army!
    Hehehehe!

    Follow on IG: @theojukwu for more details!

  73. My dear I think your guy did the right thing, if he had stayed there with you that will give the idiots the power to hurt or even kill the two of you but he took off to get help and that scared them away. So no worries he did the right thing.

  95. Fear is an enemy that live within its victims, under such circumstances anything can happen, could piee on his body, jump from a 10 story building, or hide in a working refrigerator, all Na fear, abeg free ur guy.

  97. Don’t marry him. He ran away to help but you didn’t get the help. You survived because it was God’s grace. God allowed that to happen to you, so that you know exactly who you are about to marry. If he apologized and regretted abandoning you. Then, it will be different, rather he argues and accuses you wanting to use him as a “meat shield”. He also told you not to tell his nor your friends, because he knows the truth. His mother will not make a good second mother because she sided her son not minding your fears. He will abandon you again and give excuses. The choice remains yours. Pray over it, but as for me, I will end that engagement.

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