According to him, he was scared that his Nigerian family members might not accept his child or children because of his sexuality.
However, he said they’ve finally concluded on the decision to adopt and have acquired a bigger home in preparation for their kids.
Our journey to adoption; a Thread
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2yrs ago, husband and I after several weeks of deliberation decided to adopt. There are options opened to us, including surrogacy.
When we met we actually said if we don’t have a child/children by the time we are 45years we should forget it. On the eve of my 45th birthday, we had the conversation again and this time there was still that nagging question, biological children or adoption or a mixture of both.
We have few friends offering to help, but we also have many people asking us for help. However, there is a bigger issue, as a Black Africa man and listening to conversations about adoption and adopted children while growing up in Nigeria, I was not sure if adoption will “other”my children. As a gay man, I am already dealing with bullshit.
One day at an event in the city, I met a very nice mid-career Black gay man, let’s call him Tom. We were just the two Black gay men at the event. I guess that made us connect even more. Tom and I got so close after months of chatting and meeting for drinks. He told me about his husband and children and how wonderful they all are, but he didn’t tell me two things.
After we became really close, I asked about his children and that we have been considering expanding our family and not sure if we should adopt or go the surrogacy way. Then he opened up to me; it was not just that Tom’s two sons are adopted, he was also adopted and has become a very strong advocate for encouraging Black queer families to adopt.
I rushed home and told my husband about this, this chat with Tom helped but still leaves room for more questions. I guess the biggest was “what will my family say?”. These are group of people who already came to the conclusion I am a disappointment. I know I can deal with their hate, but am I at the point where my children can see their grandparents? Will I be comfortable to introduce them to their cousins, aunties and uncles?
I don’t want to raise my kids away from my history, my journey, my truth. I want them to know me and be proud of me, but I also don’t want to expose them to people questioning them.
After many thoughts and support from many close friends, husband and I decided to adopt, and this means we have to open ourselves up to scrutiny. Everyone told us to be ready for the invasion of our privacy by the state.
We wrote to @adoptlondonuk and within few days got a reply and were invited for few sessions. After that we had to make up our mind if this is what we wanted.
By this time I was moving really fast to 46, and then my husband for no reason suddenly developed cold feet, he became scared and thought it was a bad idea; we are two very busy people, we can’t make this work.
I am also a man of little faith, I wanted him to give me reasons why we shouldn’t do this and I will jump on it, and he did. But the funny thing is. We did too late.
There was also the question around age, if we are going to adopt, I wanted a baby or a toddler as I am very nurturing but husband wants slightly grown up.
While we were thinking about this, we told my mother-in-law who lives in Australia. Well, the thing is, she has three kids, my husband being the first. The other two, a boy and a girl have made it very clear, they don’t want kids.
The announcement that we are thinking of having kids got my mother in law excited and over the moon, I still remember clearly what she said “who would have thought that it is the gay that will give me grandchildren”
We had a good laugh over that, but we also silently live with the guilt of not delivering and how disappointed she will be. We reached out to Tom who by now is our adoption mentor.
Few days after the chat with Tom, we wrote to the agency saying we want to do this. We were sent forms and all to fill, and we did. Few weeks back, we got the email assigning our case worker to us. We were over the moon.
This week we will meet our case worker for home inspection. Just to be clear, we had to buy a new house so we can have a bigger space for our kids
Why am I sharing this? To be honest I have no clue, I am just sitting here having dinner and thinking about this and getting really excited and teary and maybe this is just my own way of therapy and support.
As a gay man from Nigeria, I never thought I could find love, marry, and now about to be a father without having to at any point deny who I am or lie to anyone.
To the baby on the way, dads can’t wait. To people looking to adopt, please do it. To Black Africans in the U.K. there are many Black kids looking for forever home, we should stop allowing tradition to deny them of that joy.
We are the one that can change this blockage culture and tradition is causing for Black kids and keeping them in a system of care that do them no good.
responded: “Sir you’re just giving yourself headache. Single mothers gan no rate you. Saint Reno.”
