An abroad-based Nigerian medical practitioner has recounted how she dumped her husband after 10 years of marriage because she didn’t love him.
She explained that she wanted to complete her residency, have a baby, and relocate out of the country. Despite making it clear that she didn’t love him, her husband decided to come onboard.
Ten years later, she had achieved all her goals but still didn’t fall in love with him. Consequently, she made the decision to walk away from the marriage.
Speaking from her experience, she advised people to prioritize finding a partner who genuinely loves and cares for them so they don’t end up with someone like her.
“Choose ur japa partner carefully.
Don’t end up with someone like me.
When ure done reading this thread, drag or block me. I understand but I gat to say this:
During my recovery journey from a devastating heartbreak, I decided:
“Not everyone will marry for love.
Make I carry my cross & live my life”.
I had three goals as I was entering my 30s:
1) Finish residency.
2) Have my babies
3) Japa
When I met my (now ex) husband, I told him my 3-point agenda, but he was not listening. Men don’t listen well.
He was thrilled by my goal oriented personality but he didn’t pay attention to the fact that he was not going to be the centre of my world. He was not going to be an integral part of my dreams.
He shared my vision, since japa was his priority & he was ready to start a family. However, I had presented a “you go do or you no go do” disposition. Romance was not a priority.
When a person shows you who they are, believe them. Don’t allow misperceptions and misinterpretations. What they said is what they said. “I love her..she is such a goal getter” but are you her goal?
Anyway, fast forward almost a decade later, with lots of water under the bridge, I packed my bags and left.
Nigerian culture would say it was a ‘use and dump situation’. I respect that. I won’t even make excuses or try to pull any “even though” stunts.
Bottom line was that, after a decade, a critical appraisal of our partnership showed me we had achieved our mutual goals. It was a win-win.
However, a subsequent feasibility study showed that we were going to be shackled in a loveless and bitter marriage, if we continued into the next decade together.
Looking back, what were the major missteps here:
1) I should have chased my 3-point agenda on my own, while waiting for love to find me or vice versa.
I didn’t need him for japa or Fellowship, obviously. However, making babies was a different matter.
I knew I didn’t necessarily need a man to make my babies but I feared the stigma that the Nigerian culture & Christian religion would inflict on me, if I pursued my IVF/donor-facilitated single motherhood journey. So, I settled for the ‘traditional’ approach. Big mistake.
Sis, if love doesn’t find u & the clock is running out, make ur babies. Single motherhood can be with dignity.
2) He should have walked away that day, when I shared my goals with him. It was a business meeting but he thought it was a romantic outing. A transactional marriage was the only item on my agenda but he thought I would fall on love with time.
Even if he didn’t leave that first date, he should have left, when love didn’t grow. I didn’t hide it. I didn’t pretend. I was his everything but he wasn’t mine. I have been madly in love twice in my life and he was not one of them.
That’s why I pity guys, when they start this “what are you bringing to the table” conversations during dates. First date oh. 🙂
Ogbeni, faraburuku bale… observe if this woman likes u… if she go fall in love….if u will become the breath that she breathes…her everything.
When a woman loves u, omo! Nothing friends, family, or twitter feminists wan tell . She go dey hide spoil u.
When a man loves u, Sola go talk taya, Bro go continue ‘simping’…he no go look Twitter Patriachs’ faces.
Forget maths…Chemistry yen gan gan ni koko.
Aligned goals is not enough.
Prospect, pockets, & potentials are not enough.
Love is crucial.
That puppy love…that “I will do anything for you”…that “my world will crumble for a long time if you walked away” kind of love.
Hmm, ladies and gentlemen.
Marry the person who LOVES you.
Review that relationship. Decide before Valentines Day, if she loves you.
P.S: I’m forever a hopeless romantic. I’m never going to get to a “fuck love” point. However, I will never, ever get into a committed relationship without me being MADLY IN LOVE with the guy.
Oya, floor is open for dragging.
If I taya, I go lock account for 24 hours. Then we continue the dragging, till u move on to other gists.”
