We often think that the longer you last in the sack, the better lover you are. But is this actually true? Do you think time matters when making love? Is it just a misconception that puts us under unnecessary pressure and stops us from having truly great sex? Well, Love Matters Africa’s Raphael Ndirangu explores this confusing topic.

The need to impress our partners seems to be forever increasing. This is especially true between the sheets, where many believe that more is better.

Some of us end up hopping from partner to partner, hoping it will make us seem like fabulous lovers. Yet at the precise moment the magic is meant to begin, one or both of us will get bogged down in fear – the fear of not impressing.

Too much pressure

The fear of being bad in bed is one of our most silent fears. We fear that our bodies are not attractive, that we do not know enough positions, or that we simply run out of steam too fast.

These insecurities are made worse by the idea that to be in good in bed, you have to perform beyond your partners’ expectations.

Mind your manhood

These ideas create a very wrong view of what sex is all about. With the internet offering easily accessible sex, porn and dating, sexual interest is easy to stir up. But how can this eroticism be sustained?

Good sex is not defined by how toned you or your partner are. It is not about being able to have sex in all the different acrobatic sexual positions of the Kama Sutra.

Good sex has its foundation in the mind, not in the penis. Good sex allows partners to be vulnerable and open to the needs they usually keep locked up inside – to go beyond what is perceived as ‘normal’.

In other words, sex may be the meeting of two bodies, but it is actually their two minds that do all the heavy lifting.

Breaking free


A good lover allows a partner to be more vocal about what they want. Sexual fantasies allow for two partners to escape life’s rules about what is supposedly right or wrong with sex.

Fantasies allow us to escape the missionary position and indulge safely in new positions and acts. Eroticism might allow you to see other body parts of your partner as sexual.

Sexiness is what we begin to feel when we genuinely break free of the restrictive boundaries society has imposed on us. It is an agreement between lovers where each is sacred and yet free to be sexually imaginative.

Sexiness is allowing a lover to do all those things they vocalize to us.

Coming together


The best person in the sack is not the one who thrusts 3689 times in one sitting. It is the person with whom we feel most safe when we share the deepest, loneliest parts of ourselves while they do the same.

Being a great lover means understating your partner‘s insecurities. And in spite of them, still managing to create a genuine and loving relationship.

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