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You probably didn’t need a study to tell you this, but research confirms that sex is one of the most crucial ingredients to making long-term relationships thrive. Early on, feeling sexy and passionate isn’t hard—but things can get trickier as the years go on.

Hoping to bust out of a dry spell or prevent the fire from fading? Don’t make these common mistakes.

Mistake #1: Thinking you need a “date night” to connect

If you’re like most couples, the first thing you do when you want to reconnect is schedule a “date night.” “The idea is that after a fancy dinner, candlelight, and wine, you’ll come home and want to jump each other,” says Tammy Nelson, Ph.D., a sex and relationship therapist and author of The New Monogamy.

But what really happens after a meal of rich food, a few glasses of wine, and a late night out? “Most couples want nothing more than to go to sleep,” Nelson says.

The fix: Send the kids out while you and your partner stay home alone. “Think of this as a sacred time for the two of you to practice ‘planned’ spontaneity,” Nelson suggests. “It’s a much better way to act out all of your fantasies, without feeling bloated and hungover the next day.”

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